Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
