the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
