mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
