Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
