When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
