If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
