I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
