3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just google imaged poop.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
