Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
