someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
A+ Viking dick
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
