This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
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