Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
now i know why i became what i already was.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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