I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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