The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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