so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
