I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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