did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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