i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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