So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground