My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
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