Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.