I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.