my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
