did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
