apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection