I think my fart just growled at me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital