You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
