What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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