im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
