my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
