we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
