Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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