i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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