peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
