I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
