Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
