It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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