She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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