I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
