Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
