I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
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He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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