Ambien. No doubt about it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
