dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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