drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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