I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
two words...techno handjob
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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