You can't motorboat a personality
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
