Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
