New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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