he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
