I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
