At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
