Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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