I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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