I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
