Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's shark week go big or go home
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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