the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
