Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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