did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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