There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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