How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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