Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
