I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
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Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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